Hellboy II: The Golden Army (3½ stars)

In a time long forgotten, a goblin smith built an army of indestructible golden soldiers to help the elves defeat the humans. The elf king saw how ruthless and evil this power was, so he had it divided into three pieces. Now the prince wants to reassemble them, to rid the world of humans once and for all.

I have mixed feeling about this movie. On one hand, the golden army itself is extremely cool, and I love the introduction of Johann Krauss. He’s easily my favorite character, and a great addition to the cast of what will hopefully be a thriving series of films. I particularly enjoyed the locker scene where he and Hellboy duke it out to see who can take who. The film also has a number of humorous moments, including a cute scene where Hellboy and Abe Sapien get really drunk. On the other, I felt the script had a few problems.

First of all, the dialogue was a little too on-the-nose, even for a comic book movie. I get the sense that this was, in part, due to the vast amount of story they were trying to cram into the space of a two hour movie.

Second, the story had some problems, which, as a story teller myself, I simply cannot let slide. Warning: skip the rest of this paragraph if you haven’t seen the film and do no want the plot spoiled from you. Still here? Okay… When the prince throws the little jellybean creature, they all just stand there and wait for it to find water and turn into a tree elemental. Why doesn’t Hellboy just stomp on it? If the crown that controls the golden army can only be used if the ruler is unchallenged, why doesn’t his sister just challenge him? That way, neither of them has to die, because they can’t kill one another. It’d be a stalemante. Then she wouldn’t have to die. And Jesus Christ, how did Lizzie know that when she melted the crown that the golden army wouldn’t simply run rampant and destroy the world? That could easily be handled by a simple establishing line earlier in the film. And for the love of God, if she could melt it down at the end of the film, why didn’t she just demolish it when she first met the princess? The princess clearly didn’t want the crown getting completed either. They could’ve done it together, as a sort of female bonding thing, and then maybe go on a double date with Hellboy and Abe. These are the sorts of obvious outs that, when ignored, I find a little frustrating, but I digress.

There was one scene in this movie that was so touching, that I actually caught one of my female friends crying in the theater. If you’re reading this, you know who you are.

Overall I’d say it’s still worth watching, whether you’re a fan of the comic, or just looking for a good family-friendly action movie.

3½ stars