Saturday, April 26, 2008

10 Dorky Films I Can’t Wait to See

Okay, so for today’s entry, something nice and easy. There a great number of films coming out that are all going to be really bad. But guess what? I’m going to enjoy them anyway, unless the scripts are really so bad that I find myself asking the question, “Why do those guys get to be paid two hundred grand to write this. I could write better. Where’ my obscene amount of money for a month or so of real work?”
  1. G.I. Joe – Part of the problem with G.I. Joe is they’ve got almost as many villains as heroes, which would be so problematic if it weren’t for the ridiculous amount of heroes they have. The same could be said of the X-Men movies and the like, or say, Street Fighter (1994), which didn’t even make any sense, because they (and by “they,” I mean that hack Steven E. de Souza), spent far too much energy making sure they layered in as many characters as possible, plot be damned.
  2. Death Race – Sad as it is to admit, if I find out Jason Statham’s in something, I automatically want to see it. I think he’s the epitome of cool. This can backfire of course, with titles like War, a film which is an offense to every aspect of cinema. (You can read more about why I hate that particular film in my Film Review Blog. Recently, my good friend Ema introduced me to the original Death Race 2000, (which I also reviewed in my blog), and I’m very excited to see how they do the remake. From what I’ve read, it already sounds like they’ve worked out a much better plot and protagonist, but maintained the essence of the story and theme from the original.
  3. Tropic Thunder – Now here’s a thought. A parody of the war movie. I’ve wanted to see one for a long time, I just didn’t realize it. Particularly noteworthy is the fact that one of the main characters is in blackface, something no real movie has dared to try in some thirty or forty years. Unless you count White Chicks. And I do. So never mind.
  4. Arrested Development – This was an awesome show while it lasted, and I’m keen to see how nicely they can tie the whole thing up in one final shebang.
  5. Noah's Ark: The New Beginning – Who doesn’t love a good parody of a classic bible story?
  6. The Brazilian Job – Despite the fact that this is a sequel to a remake of a film that was fairly unintelligent to begin with, and despite its unfortunate name, I can’t wait to see the BJ. The dynamic between the characters in The Italian Job, particularly Handsome Rob and Lyle (the Napster) was enough to get me hooked on the sequel. Actually, as stated earlier, Statham’s presence is enough.
  7. Crank 2: High Voltage – Okay, this is the last Statham movie I’m going to list, I swear. But here’s what I love about Crank – You’ve got a hero who, not only should be dead by the end of the first film, but you wonder how he’s alive at all, because Chev Chelios has to be one of the dumbest protagonists ever to grace the screen, which is very difficult to do with a character, and still have him be this likable.
  8. Iron Man – ‘Nuff said.
  9. Get Smart – How many of you remember watching this as a kid? I used to watch it all the time in the 80’s, when I was clearly not old enough to understand a fair amount of the humor, but I enjoyed it for its slapstick elements, silly plots, and cleaver wordplays anyway. Another thing I enjoyed about the show is that it was one my dad had watched when he was a child, so it all came full circle, and we both had a show we loved to talk about. Of course, we also had the Disney cartoons. And Looney Tunes. You get the idea. Fun shows are always more fun when shared.
  10. The Dark Knight – Now, maybe it’s all a little over-hyped, but I’m keen to see the late Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker, which is apparently so frightening it might send Jack Nicholson running for the hills, or the circus, or something like that. Anyway, it’s the most prolific performance of an actor’s final role in clown face before dying mysteriously since Brandon Lee. And I’m sure it won’t be the last. I wonder who’ll be next. My money’s on Jack Black. Of course, they say you should always bet on black.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pride & Prejudice (4 stars)


Pride & Prejudice brings Jane Austin’s legendary romance novel to life.

Elizabeth is one of five daughters of a pig farmer who are of marrying age. When the matchmaking games begin at the will of their loving but manipulative mother, she finds herself battling inequalities of class differences, social norms, and her strong feelings toward a particular gentleman (Mr. Darcy) who has been systematically ruining the lives of her friends and family.

The casting, acting, cinematography, music, editing and directing are all top-notch. I was quite impressed. Even though my expectations of the film were already high, it being one of those films where a canon novel combined with an all-star cast automatically assumes it is high art.

As usual, probably because of its status as an adaptation, parts of the story fall a wee bit short of believability. I did not feel the relationship between Elizabeth and Darcy was given sufficient screen time, and thus their developing feelings for one another felt a little rushed.

Particular favorites of mine, in terms of overall excellence of their performance, (though they were indeed all good – there was no weak link in this cast), were Donald Sutherland as Elizabeth’s ever-loyal father, Rosamund Pike as Elizabeth’s eldest (and closest) sister, and Judi Dench as the elegant, intolerable and intimidating Lady Catherine de Bourg.

4 stars

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Decoys 2: Alien Seduction (3 Stars)


I’ve gotta hand it to you, Mr. Tom Berry. You brought the world one of the worst, most derived pieces of trash I’ve ever seen with Decoys. I mean, it’s worse than the films in the same genre made 40 years earlier, like Blood Feast, which was bad then, and worse now. And then you make a movie like Decoys 2: Alien Seduction and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!

Luke Callahan (Corey Sevier) returns to the cast of characters, including a group of college guys whose mating/dating competition has turned into a deadly game of survival against hot alien babes who can read their minds, become their ultimate fantasy, and impregnate them with their spores. Constance (Kim Poirier), (who is HOT STUFF to be sure), is also back as the alien queen.

The film makes sense. It has a fun cast. The dialogue is fine. The film even got a few genuine laughs from me. The plot isn’t riddled with widows and orphans, and while the movie is still really stupid, it knows it, and plays out in a way that is funny and enjoyable to watch.

After watching this movie, I almost want to take back everything I said about the first film. Almost. But no, it’s still really bad. As much as I hate to say it, eliminating Matt Hastings from the second project was a winning choice. Don’t get me wrong. This movie isn’t brilliant, and it’s certainly nothing personal, but Decoys 2 is not only entertaining the whole way through, but it almost enriches the first film. Almost.

It’s always exciting for me when bad movies are actually good. It makes me eager to see what the next installment is. How about Decoys 3: Alien Orgy! 3 Stars

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Death Race 2000 (3½ Stars)


Before The Cannonball Run, before The Running Man, before Death Rally, there was Death Race 2000.

25 years in the dystopic future, the United Provinces of North America have become a repressive regime, where the only fun people have anymore is a race where their favorite “heroes” run down pedestrians in a deadly cross-country race.

The film hilariously parodies all the other really trashy low budget films of its time, with an accordingly clichéd plot and cast of characters. You’ve got a hero for whom winning is everything, and he’s a veteran killer, but for him, taking life never became easy. You’ve got a brutal rival that beats his girlfriend/navigator, puts her down with hilarious one-liners, and is willing to take out his own crew for a couple of points. You’ve got a sassy rivalry between two female racers, who’ve apparently shared the same boyfriend. And here’s what else you have to look forward to: Lots of tits, sex, fist fights, road-related deaths and explosions, including an air raid. Did I mention cool cars? It’s got sweet-ass roaring monster cars.

Obviously, this movie is campy and violent, so it’s not for everyone, but if that’s your thing, this is a great way to kill 78 minutes. 3½ stars